Who Is Pushing Your Buttons? – Sermon – Pastor Marlee Page and Pastor Dave Page

In Ephesians 4:26 the Bible says, “When you get angry do not sin…” 

Which obviously implies there’s a way to get angry and not sin, that not all anger is sin. 

• Selfish anger is sinful.
• Self-centered anger is sinful.
• Uncontrolled anger is sinful.

But the Bible says that anger sometimes is an appropriate response.  Sometimes it’s helpful.  But most of the time in our lives it’s harmful.

Let me show you a few verses out of the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 25:28 says this: “If you cannot control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack.”

You are defenseless.  People will manipulate your life.

Do you realize when you say, you make me so mad, you are admitting at that point those people are controlling your life.  You are admitting that they are stronger than you, that you are weak.  When you say, “You make me…”  In other words, you have an ability to control my emotions.  That’s what you’re admitting.  You are defenseless.  You are without a wall, open to attack.

Proverbs 12:16 says this: “A fool is quick-tempered, [Anytime I have a hair-triggered temper I’m a fool.  I’m foolish.]  but a wise person stays calm when insulted.  A wise person stays calm when insulted.

Proverbs 16:32, “It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city.”  In other words, it’s more important to be in control of your own emotions than just about anything.

The fact is anger is a learned response.  You learned it from other people.  They may be bad examples, but you learned it from others.  You learned it from television, you learned it from movies, you learned it from your parents, from other people in your life.  The good news is since it’s learned it can be unlearned.  You can learn appropriate ways to deal with your anger.

What we want to do with you this morning is two things.

1. First, we want you to understand the different ways that anger shows up. Because it’s not all explosions all the time.  There’s lots of different ways that anger shows up.  Not all of you are exploders.  But you still have anger problems.  So we’re going to look at the different ways that shows up.  We want you to be able to identify them and what the Bible says about it.
2. Then we want to share with you some biblical principles on how you diffuse the angry button pushers in your life.

God’s word identifies four different ways that we express anger.  We want you to be aware of these so We’ve given them some contemporary labels, for clarity.

The first category of the way people express anger is the Hand Grenade.

The hand grenades are people who just explode!  There’s no doubt that they’re mad.  They’re very expressive.  They might curse, they yell, they throw things, they hit, they let it fly.  These people are the exploders. Honestly, they’re like walking time bombs.  When something or someone pulls the pin, they go off.  This is very obvious.  This kind is the most obvious.  They just kind of explode all over you.

In the Bible the example of this first kind of anger, the exploder, would be Cain.  Cain and Abel were the sons of Adam and Eve.  Cain committed the first murder out of anger.  Genesis 4:5 says this: “Cain became furious and he scowled in anger…  And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Able, and killed him.”

Pay attention to this word “attacked.”   This is the response of the first form of anger.  The attacker.  The hand grenade.  This response is so obvious the people who have this type of anger often immediately regret it.  They regret the things they’ve said.  They regret the things they’ve done.  They’re often embarrassed, ashamed, they want to apologize.  But that’s not the only kind of anger

The second kind of anger, besides the hand grenade, is what we call the Silent.

Do you know this person.  They don’t blow up; they shut up and shut down.  Silents don’t get violent; they get silent.  And they hold it in and they live in denial or  they masquerade and they pretend.  And they always refuse to admit it when they’re angry. (“I can see you’re angry, honey.”  No, I’m not.  “Yes, you are.”  No, I’m not.  “You’re angry.”  I am not angry.)

But they are angry, or you are….  You’re holding it in.  This is not the exploding type of anger.  This is what we call the slow boil anger.  It stews and it simmers and it’s a slow boil.

Now, here’s the problem with this.  Every time you swallow your anger, your body keeps score.  If you don’t talk it out, you’re going to take it out on your body.  So people who are the Silents, they get the high blood pressure, they get the chronic pain, they get the tension headaches, they get the ulcers, and all these other anger related affects to their body.

A good example of a Silent would be the prophet Jeremiah in the Bible.  The Bible calls him “the weeping prophet” because he cried a lot.  He held in his anger.  He was so ticked off at what was happening in society around him, but he didn’t explode; he wasn’t the hand grenade.  But he was one of these guys who held it in.

Jeremiah 15 says this:

“I stayed by myself [that’s typical of the Silent] and was filled with anger.  [In other words, I’m being silent; I’m holding it all in. And they asked] why do I keep on suffering?  Why are my wounds incurable? [I’ve got these terminal problems] Why won’t they heal?  Because you’re holding it in!

Are you holding on to unexpressed anger?  When people say, that burns me up!  Literally it does.

Holding onto anger in your body is not good for you, your body wasn’t meant to hold on to anger.  It’s like swallowing poison.  If you’re holding on to anger, it’s eating you from the inside.

So we’ve got hand grenades and silents.

The third type of anger response and many of you will know this: the Martyrs.

Martyrs are always passive, and they tend to punish themselves.  They hold a pity party and then invite themselves to it…. along with everyone else around them. And so when a button pusher comes into their life they don’t think, “My mom’s crazy…. or My Grandpa is a cook” They think, “What’s wrong with me?  What did I do wrong?  This must all be my fault.”

If you walk around saying I should, I must, I have to, then chances are you’re going to be a martyr.  Because you’re going to blame yourself.  Maybe you’ve just got a button pushing coworker and it’s not really you.  It’s just that they’re the ones with the problem.  Or an impossible relative, and they’re a button pusher.  But you blame yourself; you are the martyr.

A good example of the martyr behaviour in the Bible would be the older brother in the story of the prodigal son.  Remember this man has two sons.  One of them says, “Dad, I want my half of the inheritance,” and he goes off and he wastes it on wine, women and song.  Blows it all.  Wastes half the family inheritance.  Comes back home a total mess.  And the dad throws a party for him.  Unconditional love welcomes him back.  The older brother gets angry.  “I’m the good boy.  You’ve never thrown a party for me, and I’ve been here all along and I didn’t go out and blow half the family inheritance.”  He gets mad and he becomes a martyr.

In Luke 15:28, “The elder brother was so angry he would not go in [to the party. I’m not going in to that party.] So his father went out and pleaded with him…”

Have you got anybody like this in your family?  They have to be coaxed.  They have to be pleaded with.  They have to be pampered.  They make everybody else miserable.  If they’re not happy they don’t want anybody else happy.  They ruin all the family parties.  They’re martyrs.

That’s just as wrong as the hand grenade person.

The fourth kind of anger is what we call the Puppet Master.

They’re the ones pulling everyone else’s strings – or so they think. The motto of the puppet master is “Don’t get mad; get even.”

Puppet masters will never tell you to your face they’re angry with you.  But they’re going to do it subtly.  They pull your string, or that of someone around you. They’re going to do it slyly.  They’re going to do it sarcastically.  They do things to sabotage you and they do things to make you look back but you never can catch them on it.  And they never will flat out own up to the fact that they’re seething with anger.  When they do say something to you that’s hurtful or something mean and you actually call them on it they say, “Can’t you take a joke?”  They’re not joking!  They’re a button pusher.  It’s a button pusher who says, can’t you take a joke?

Religious people can be really good at this one.  They couch all of their anger in spiritual terms.  “I was grieved in my spirit.”  What does that mean?  It means I was mad!  Just say it.  I was mad!

An example of this in the Bible would be the Pharisees, the religious leaders.  Luke 6:10 they were so mad at Jesus because Jesus was popular and they weren’t.  It says in verse 11,

“They were furious and began to plot [  They’re button pushers.  They began to plot how they would get even.] with each other what they might do to Jesus.”

All four of these ways, whether you are a hand grenade or you are a Martyr or you are a Puppet Master or you’re a Silent, you learn how to get angry that way.  It’s not very helpful.  None of those ways are helpful at all.  And you can unlearn them.

What we want to finish with is how do you disarm the person who pushes your buttons in one of these ways?   

1. How do you deal with the people who push your buttons?   
2. How do you deal with your own anger and not get angry back?   
3. And how do you deal with their anger at you when they won’t come out and admit that they’re angry?  What do you do in disarming button-pushers?

The Bible teaches four really good practical things.  They’re all in the book of Proverbs.

The first way the book of Proverbs teaches us and it says it over and over again is:

Calculate the cost of anger.

Before you allow yourself to get mad back, you calculate what the cost of doing that.  Calculate the cost of anger.  You’re less likely to get angry when somebody’s pushing your buttons if you realize there’s always a price tag for me getting angry back.

The Bible is very, very specific about uncontrolled anger.  Let me show you some verses out of Proverbs.

Proverbs 29:22, “An angry person causes trouble, and a person with a quick temper sins a lot.

You’re going to get in trouble more often and you’re going to sin more often if you get angry.  So don’t do it.

Proverbs 15:18, “Hot tempers cause arguments.”

You don’t want to get in arguments.  When you get angry, one way that’s pushing buttons is it’s going to become an argument.

Proverbs 14:29, “Anger causes mistakes.”

Proverbs 14:27, “People with hot tempers do foolish things.”

So, if I get angry here’s the cost: I’m going to get in trouble.  I’m going to sin.  I’m going to cause arguments.  I’m going to make mistakes.  And I’m going to do foolish things.  Do I want to get angry when you’re pushing my buttons?  Absolutely not.  It’s foolish.

I always lose when I lose my temper.  You can lose respect.  You can lose the respect of others.  You can lose the love of your family.  You can lose your health by stuffing it down.

So when someone starts pushing your buttons, and they’re pushing your buttons, and they’re pushing your buttons… before you retaliate, before you get angry back, you just figure out, do I really want to do this?  Do I want to make mistakes?  Do I want to sin more?  Do I want to act foolish?  Do I want to cause arguments?  Do I want to do foolish things?  No, I don’t.

Proverbs 14:29 says this: “Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper make mistakes.”

So, number one is calculate the cost of anger.

Look past their words to their pain.

And just know with this one, it takes some real maturity to do this. You look past their words to their pain.  You don’t respond to what they’re saying.  You look at why they’re saying what they’re saying.

Proverbs 19:11, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” 

You’re wise if you don’t listen to the words, but you look at the pain behind the words.  A man’s wisdom gives him patience.

You’ve heard it said,

Hurt people hurt people. 

When somebody’s hurting you it’s because they’ve been hurt and they are still hurting. 

• Unkind people are people who have never felt kindness. 
• Unloving people are people who feel unloved.

You have to decide, am I going to overcome evil with good or am I just going to retaliate on their level.  When you attack somebody, it puts you below them.  When you get even with somebody it puts you on at least the same level.   But, when you respond with love and kindness it puts you above them, morally superior.  If I want to just get even with people, fine.  I’m no better than they are.  To be better than that person you overcome evil with good.  You respond with love.  You look past their words to their pain.

The third thing you need to do is a big one.  Think before reacting.

When somebody starts to push your buttons and they want to irritate you.  They may do it visibly or they may do it hidden.  They may do it in a manipulative way.  You think before reacting.  You think before you speak.  Because anger control is largely a matter of mouth control, isn’t it?  You don’t respond impulsively.  You put your mind in gear before you put your mouth in gear.

Proverbs 13:16, “Sensible people always think before they act.”

Proverbs 29:11, “A fool gives full vent to his anger But a wise person quietly holds it back.” 

In the Hebrew there it literally means he cools it.  He holds it back and cools his anger.  He waits for it to cool.

Did you know that “chill out” is a biblical term.  Cool it.  Chill out.

And while you’re waiting what do you do?  You’re asking yourself – why am I angry?  You think before reacting.  Why am I angry?

If you reflect before reacting, if you think before speaking, then you can identify the root cause of the anger.   Anger is always caused by a root cause of some sort.  Look past the anger and look at the root cause.  By the ways, those root causes are almost always, hurt, frustration or fear.

Have you heard this before,

“If you’re really angry, count to a hundred.” – Thomas Jefferson

That’s wise advice.  Don’t immediately text back!  Don’t immediately respond to that email.  Sleep on it.  Let it cool.  Calm it down.  Count to ten at least.  What do you do during the delay?  You try to understand the cause.

 Here’s number four, the most important thing  of all if you’re going to get control ..…

I must base my identity in Jesus.

You’ve got to change what you build your identity on.  I must base my identity in Jesus.  That he loves me unconditionally, that I am his, that I am valuable, I’m worthwhile, he has a purpose and plan for my life.  That’s what we look forward to celebrating this Christmas season.

If you try to build your identity on anything else, you’ll struggle with insecurity your whole life.  If you try to build your identity on your job, you can lose your job. 

If you try to build your identity on how good looking you are, you’re going to lose your good looks.

If you try to build your identity on the person you married, they’re going to die.

You can build your identity on being popular, you’re not always going to be popular.

So, we must base our identity in Jesus.  Otherwise, you’re going to get your buttons pushed because you’re going to care too much about what others think of you.  You’re going to care too much about their approval or disapproval.

The Bible says in Proverbs 29:25, “The fear of human opinion disables you…” 

If you are worried about what other people think all the time, you have an emotional disability “The fear of human opinion disables you; but trusting in God protects you from that.”

When you are living out your God-given identity you will be generous and you will be gracious to others and no matter how much they push your buttons you’re not pushing back, because you’re living out your God-given identity. They don’t determine who you are,  God determines who you are.

Do you know what is the most practical, simple, logical way to start your new identity?

Baptism. 

By being baptized.  I’m not talking about being baptized as a kid that you may not even remember.  Jesus was dedicated at the temple as a baby.  But at 30 years of age, as full-on adult, he made his adult profession of faith – that’s what we’re talking about.  He went to the Jordan River and was immersed by John the Baptist and he said you guys are to do this too.  He modeled it.

Have you been baptized as an adult to defend your faith, to say this is my identity?  This is who I am. That’s what baptism is.

The Bible says this in Romans 6:4:

“If we identify with Jesus in his death by being baptized, we will be identified with him in his resurrection and raised to life.”

If you have not been baptized, this is the first step of your identity.  You heard us say we are starting our next round of classes this week. You may have been a Christian for many, many years and you’ve never taken the step of identification.  I want to challenge you to decide this season, “I’m going to be baptized”, if you haven’t done so.

Church, if you’re tired of being angry. If you’re tired of having people push your buttons.  IF you’re saying to yourself “I’m tired of being worried about what other people think and letting that influence me.”

The three things that cause anger,  Jesus can heal – hurt, frustration and fear.   

1. Jesus can heal your hurting heart with his love.  
2. Jesus can replace your frustrated heart with his peace.
3. Jesus can replace your insecure heart with his power.

If you pick up a crying baby and you hold that baby close and it feels warm and it feels secure, most often it stops crying.  It stops being angry.  When you feel secure and accepted in Jesus Christ, your anger is going to dissipate too. And very likely you’ll find your buttons don’t get pushed so easily.